Terrence Pfender, O.Carm.
1949-1999

Obituary

"Terry Pfender was very kind, loving and compassionate," wrote Fr. Samuel Citero who worked with Terry in both campus ministry and the vocation apostolate. "He was a marvelous priest and a genuine Carmelite.  His authenticity is what won him confidence and respect among the students.  They understood that he was real, and he lived what he preached.  Honesty is the key to successful ministry to young people.  Terry put on no false fronts.  What you saw was what you got.  Students trusted that, and they loved him for it.  They let him into their lives and he was able to help them, to make a difference and to impact them for life."

Terrence Mario Pfender was born in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania on 25 March 1949, the son of Mr. and Mrs. Frederick and Norma (Cuda) Pfender.  In addition to Terry, the family included two sisters, Judith and Janice, and a brother, Frederick.  He attended St. Martin Grade School before joining the Carmelites at Mt. Carmel Prep Seminary in Niagara Falls, Ontario.  In those days, high school seminarians attended Mt. Carmel for the first two years, and then spent their junior and senior years at the Carmelite Junior Seminary in Hamilton, Massachusetts.

Terrence made a more formal entry into Carmelite life when he professed his simple vows at the Carmelite Novitiate, then located at Mt. Carmel College in Niagara Falls.  He would solidify his commitment to Carmel with his solemn profession of vows at Whitefriars Hall in Washington, D.C. on 30 March 1975.

Terry attended Mt. Carmel College for the academic year of 1967-68.  Following the tragic fire at Niagara in November of 1967, the entire group of college students and faculty moved to Carmel Hall at Marquette University in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.  And in May of 1972, he graduated from Marquette University with a B.A. degree in Spanish.  He then attended Boston College in Chestnut Hill, Massachusetts for four summers to obtain an M.A. degree in education.  During the winter months he attended the Washington Theological Union in Silver Spring, Maryland and received an M. Div. degree in theology.

During his studies for the priesthood, he also taught at DeSales High School in Louisville, Kentucky in 1972-73, and served in parish ministry at St. Therese Church in Cresskill, New Jersey in 1973-74.  And as a deacon, he assisted at Sacred Heart Cathedral in Fairbanks, Alaska, from May to August of 1976 where he was active in developing Religious Education, setting up a Parish Resource Center, and co-founding a Parish Council.

Family and friends gathered at St. James Church in Pittsburgh on Saturday, 14 May 1977 at 11:00 AM to witness the ordination of Terrence Pfender.  The Most Reverend Robert L. Whelan, S.J., D.D., bishop of Fairbanks and Northern Alaska, was the ordaining prelate.  Terry had been a volunteer in his diocese.

The following day, Terry offered a concelebrated Mass of Thanksgiving at St. James Church.  A public reception for family and friends followed.

Following ordination, Terry was assigned to parish ministry at St. Patrick's Church in Niagara Falls, Ontario during 1978.  Here he used his considerable ministry skills to enhance the life, spiritual and communal, of the parish.  And from 1978-80, he did much the same at St. Anastasia Church in Teaneck, New Jersey.

Terry's next area of apostolate was at Crespi Carmelite High School in Encino, California.  Here he served as student counselor, campus minister, and Spanish teacher.  He eventually rose to the position of vice-principal of Academic Affairs.

"Terry Pfender was humorous and compassionate for the underdog," said fellow Crespite, Fr. Kevin McBrien.  "He was a caring and thoroughly good person, but refused to be manipulated. He was not naive but sometimes seemed that way.  He could size a person up easily, and was eminently balanced.  He was always willing to help out, especially when people needed help.  He always seemed to know what was going on.  He seemed innocent but was savvy.  He always went the extra mile for the individual and the person, no matter what the cost.  He was very faithful to a sense of duty."

As a student, Terry would probably be considered average.  He handled his studies well, and felt that his studies were tools for ministry.  He would later be a good teacher and administrator, but was mostly interested in person-to-person ministry.

When the PCM Province undertook the campus ministry program at the University of Southern Illinois at Carbondale, Terry found a new outlet for his considerable ministry skills.

Fr. Samuel Citero said about their work there:  "Terry Pfender was an excellent campus minister in that he had a gift of presence. He was able to make students, faculty and staff feel confident that he was there for them.  He gave generously of his time.  He was a patient listener and often helped many people through difficult times in their lives.  He made each person he dealt with feel special and important.  He was non-judgmental and compassionate.  He was willing to share his own story, and struggle and faith."

At the University of Southern Illinois, Terry was a very popular member of the RCIA team, and also a good preacher and presider at Liturgy.  People enjoyed his Masses, and found them to be very prayerful and insightful.  He was also very proud of his Carmelite heritage, and shared the story and charism of the Carmelites whenever the opportunity presented itself.

Terry was then asked to participate in the Vocation Ministry of the PCM Province.  Here, again, his ability to discern what individuals were about in seeking a vocation to Carmel stood him in good stead.  It was said of Terry that he could size up almost any individual, and evaluate his potential as a possible Carmelite, in one or two meetings.

When his long battle with cancer began to diminish his ministry, Terry accepted the new limitations to his life, and the suffering that came, too.  Through the times of illness, operations and recovery, Terry's family and friends, and fellow Carmelites, made the difficult journey with him, as much as they were able.  Death came for Terry on Friday, 31 December 1999.  A wake was held at the Slater Funeral Home in Pittsburgh, 4-5 January, and a Mass of Christian Burial was offered at St. James Church there on 6 January 2000.  Interment followed at Queen of Heaven Cemetery in nearby Bridgeville, Pennsylvania. Fr. David Simpson, director of Carmel Retreat in Mahwah, New Jersey, was the principal celebrant, and Fr. Samuel Citero, director of the Carmelite Volunteer Community in Chicago, was the homilist.

Fr. Dominic Savino offered a Memorial Mass for Terry, who had also been very active in the Kairos retreats there at Crespi Carmelite High School in Encino.

"The beautiful part of all this is he did it with humility," concluded Fr. Citero. "He would be embarrassed by these acclamations.  He was always ready to give others praise and credit.  He knew his abilities and talents, but he never let success go to his head.  He never thought he was better or smarter than anyone.  Terrence was a gentle man with a gentle heart and loving spirit.  His passing leaves an empty place in the lives of his former students and colleagues.  He will be greatly missed."

Kevin Shanley, O. Carm.
St. Simon Stock Priory
Darien, Illinois

Homily

I met Terry in the Spring of 1971.  Of course we did not know each other very well back then because I was a mere high school student and he was a simply professed Brother, or Frat, as we used to call them.  The nearly 29 years that have passed since that first meeting have not dulled the memory that we immediately took a liking to one another.  Over the years Terry became like a big brother to me.  He was a few years ahead of me in the formation system and he sort of paved the way for my own journey through the seminary.  I say he was like a big brother because he allowed me to grow and make my own mistakes but he would also hand out loving advice, be ready with a listening ear and quick to grab me by the back of the neck and pull me in if I began to go too far off course.  I do not need to tell anyone in this Church today what a special person Terry Pfender was.  His family meant everything to him.  He treasured the time he spent here in Pittsburgh during his sabbatical a few years back.  He enjoyed being around his sisters and brother, aunts, uncles, cousins and all his relatives and friends.

His nieces and nephews were very special to him.  He was so proud of each and every one of you.  Most previous to him during those months was the time spent with his mother. They were and will always be mother and son, but they were also very dear friends to one another.  Over the years I have been blessed by sharing in the love Terry had for his family.  The river of generosity ran so deep within his heart that he was willing to share this love with me and so many others as well.  Terry enjoyed being who he was.  What you saw was what you got.  He was talented and confident, loving and compassionate.  These are the things that made him a successful administrator, a wonderful teacher, a magnificent Carmelite and a dynamic priest.

Terry had a phenomenal heart.  His tenderness and sensitivity made people cling to him.  He could have easily been taken advantage of, but, in a very positive way, he cared about himself as much as he cared about others, and as a result he was able to maintain the pace.  To love ones' neighbor as you love yourself means everyone wins.  With Terry, everyone was a winner.  His ability to reach the hearts of the young and the not-so-young demonstrated the depth of his spirit.  When we worked together in Carbondale I was amazed at the amount of tolerance and patience he had for people.  I think the key was that whenever you were with him he made you feel that you were the only person in the world and time was never an issue. He made everyone feel special. He taught me that everyone was in fact special.  His students loved him.  Former high school students kept in touch with him as well as former parishioners and college students from UCLA and Southern Illinois University at Carbondale. Terry once made the mistake of telling the students at the Newman Center that he was giving up Doritos for Lent. The next day and every day thereafter during Lent, a bag of Doritos greeted him at his office door. "Did you eat them" I asked. "Oh, what the heck," he said. "Life is short and I love Doritos."  Of course he would often come home tired and drained and he would talk about starting a travel agency in Hawaii. But after a while and some chocolate cake and a cup of tea while watching "Murder She Wrote", we would both be ready to face one more day.  Angela Landsbury, British situation comedies, chocolate cake and telling stories about our mothers got us through a lot of rough times.

I am sure that if we all paused for a moment we could think of times or events with Terry that will make us smile.  Terry made becoming and being a Carmelite so much fun.  In our younger days on several occasions we saw the sun rise in L.A., Chicago and New York.  "Life is a banquet," he would say, "Live! Live! Live!"  He always was more of a night person than I was but I managed to enjoy our nights out that occasionally turned to dawn.

I am sure that we can all think of times when he was there for us, when he helped us through a rough moment or hard time.  Over the years he has served so many people and he has served them well; be it in parish ministry in New Jersey or Alaska, or high school ministry in Encino or Louisville, or university ministry in California and Illinois, or in the last years as vocation director.

Terry was a very public person with a lot of people seeking his attention, yet he was also very private and reflective.  In that sense, he was a true Carmelite.  Others might have been tempted to bathe in the popularity; to be fooled into believing that it was about them, but not Terry.  He sought solitude and quiet.  He recognized that the grace and good work he did came from God.  Over the years he did so much for the Carmelites he lived with.  Often the things he did were quiet acts of kindness and generosity especially for the sick and elderly brothers.  I know that those Carmelites were among the many saints who stood eager to welcome him home to heaven.

Over the last few years Terry and I talked a lot about God and about how God works in our lives. With the maturing of our years we were also beginning to mature in our faith.  And like the big brother he always was, he was helping me along and showing me the way.

I think that if we are honest with ourselves we would all admit that we feel a little cheated right now. We might say that Terry was taken too soon.  He was too young.  Terry and I had plans for the future, and growing old together was one of them.  The Book of Wisdom brings us assurance when it says, "The just man, though he die early, shall be at rest.  For the age that is honorable comes not with the passing of time, nor can it be measured in terms of years."  Rather than mourning over the time we do not have to spend in this life with Terry, let us rejoice over the time that we did have.  Shortly before his own death Archbishop Romero of El Salvador once commented, "I must confess, that as a Christian, I do not believe in death without resurrection."  I have held those words in my heart for many years and they have been very present to me during these last few months of Terry's earthly life.  I believe as the Book of wisdom tells us that his soul is in the hand of God.  No torment shall touch him and he abides with God in love.

St. Paul assures us that our earthly body is not our home, but our home is with God.  Our comfort today comes in the love we have for one another and the compassion we can share with one another because God has loved us and continues to love us through our brother, Terry, who now enjoys the fullness of life in all its glory.  Heaven for Terry had to be a great big airport terminal.  On New Years Eve, when Terry died, I imagined him flying all over the world (first class, of course) greeting the new millennium.  He would have known the best flights and best connections to make it to every event from the island of Tonga to the island of Maui.  One of our Carmelite brothers commented to me that as the fireworks were going off all over the world, all throughout the night all he could think of was that they were greeting Terry as he entered the Kingdom.  It is not hard to imagine that all that excitement was heaven rejoicing Terry's arrival.  Terry was that kind of person, he was special enough to deserve that and much more.

And much more he did receive when at least he saw God face-to-face and attained full knowledge and full humanity.  Jesus said to the crowd, "whoever eats my flesh will live forever."  Terry dined and presided at the earthly Eucharistic table.  Now he enjoys forever the fruits of his labor.

I must confess that as a Christian I do not believe in death without resurrection.  I do not think of my brother as being dead, but rather as being resurrected.  When, in the days and years ahead, I see or hear something that reminds me of Terry, I will not be saddened by the reminder that he is dead but rather I will celebrate the moment as his being present to me in a very real and special way.  He will always be there.  He will never not be there because now he lives forever in our hearts and in the presence of the living God.

While the pain and emptiness we feel in our human sadness and loss is real, let us not lose sight of the fact that our faith, the faith we shared with Terry, calls us beyond our grief to joy, and, to the celebration not of death but of life.  As it was for so many of you, one of my greatest joys in life was to be around Terry.  His passing would be profound destruction if not for my faith and hope in the truth of the resurrection.  While he is no longer with us in the bodily way that he once was, we need only to turn to one another, to reach out to those around us and realize that he is present to us.  He lives in our hearts and in our memories and in the eternal presence of God.  The time of praying for Terry has now given way to the time to pray to him.  I believe that my brother Terry will continue to guide me and inspire me all the rest of my life.  He will be there for all of us just as he always was, only now in a different way. Not less, only different.  If I had my way I would want him here, whole and alive and healthy.  But it is not about me and my needs, but rather it's about life and reality.

Now we will always have Terry in our hearts.  He will protect us and watch over us and on that day when our moments on this planet have passed, Terry will be there to greet us just as those who went before him greeted him.  Then all our tears will be wiped dry and we will know the fullness of joy as we take our place at the banquet table of our God and know ourselves to be resurrected. Through the intercession of our brother, Terry, may God continue to bless us and keep us one in heart and one in the spirit of the resurrected Christ, who is and will always be our comfort and our strength.

Samuel Citero, O. Carm.
Carmelite Volunteer Community
Chicago, Illinois